She wanted to join the big demonstration taking place on the other side of the river. A small boat was handy at the water's edge, but the river appeared to be quite shallow. She had to make a decision. It was clearly a question of "row" versus "wade."
 June 2022

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At the local origami club, the owner was asked, "Is it true that the place is in financial trouble?" He replied, "Of course not. Despite what you might hear is unfolding, our business is actually in creasing!"
 May 2022

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A company in New York City asked its few employees from across the river in New Jersey to ride to work together each day, but one of them refused when he heard that the vehicle would be going under the East River. It seems he had carpool tunnel syndrome.
 May 2022

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"Unrealistically high standards of perfection should not hold you back from your goals of creation and production. At some point, you must settle for less than your lofty ideals, and realize that what you have done is good enough." - Mediocrates, circa 650 B.C.
 January 2022

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The dejected photographer, waiting anxiously for copies of his work to arrive in the mail, was drowning his sorrows at the piano bar. When asked by the pianist if he had a request, he replied, "Do you know "Someday My Prints Will Come?""
 January 2022

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A married man bought flowers for his secret lover, and she posted a picture of them on Facebook, identifying him as the one who had given them to her. When he complained to her about it, she said, "Oh, come on. You know that no good deed goes unpublished."
 October 2021

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At the Flat-Earthers Convention, the keynote speaker declared emphatically, "My friends, the only thing we have to fear is sphere itself!"
 October 2021

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Thinking it might spice up their sex life, a woman brought home a blindfold. Her husband looked at it, and shook his head and shrugged, "I dunno, Honey, ... I can't see myself wearing that."
 October 2021

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The teenager faced a financial choice - classical music training to improve his piano playing, or new braces to correct his badly-aligned teeth. He chose the piano lessons. It seems his Bach was worse than his bite.
 September 2021

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Anyone who doesn't know the difference between "burro" and "burrow", clearly doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
 September 2021

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A man asked his veterinarian friend to give him some medication which is normally used for horses. He had a bad reaction at first, ... but currently his condition is stable.
 September 2021

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Goldie Hawn sent an angry text message to her husband, after he was short with her on the phone and he hung up abruptly. She typed, "Don't be curt with me, mister!"
 August 2021

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The wealthy owner of IKEA, recently retired from the business, was elected to be the new Prime Minister of Sweden. Apparently, he is still assembling his cabinet.
 July 2021

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The local newspaper ran a story about a very short inmate who tried to escape from the penitentiary by climbing down from a third story window, but they received many complaints. Apparently, people found it to be a little con descending.
 July 2021

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The new cook was asked to use a zesty marinade on the steak. He picked up a bottle from beside the stove, looked at it, and asked, "What's this here sauce?"
 June 2021

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The gardener was getting frustrated with her work. She finally announced, "I've had it. I just can't do this anymore. I'm going to have to throw in the trowel."
 June 2021

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The florist pre-paid for a shipment of plants for her shop, and when the box arrived it was labeled, "Food product for pandas." She said, "I didn't order this. I've been bamboozled!"
 June 2021

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The producer attached a warning stating, "Mature listeners only - Discretion advised", on his new album. Apparently, the music contained an inordinate amount of sax and violins.
 June 2021

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At the airport crime scene, the inspector unlocked the valise, peered inside, and quickly slammed it closed. Then she pointed at it and declared emphatically, "My friends, this is an open and shut case."
 June 2021

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The photographer's flash wasn't working correctly, but she entered her photo in the contest anyway. Her picture was so poorly lit that her chances of winning were slim, and she acknowledged, "It's a shot in the dark."
 May 2021

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Tensions were already high, and then Joe saw his nemesis, Fred McGruff, sit down at the poker table and ante up. Joe said pensively to himself, "Hmmm ..., the pot thickens ..."
 May 2021

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A man was kidnapped by a mime. A ransom note was found, and it threatened that if nobody paid up, then they should expect unspeakable things to happen.
 May 2021

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They asked the farmer what he thought about while he was milking his cow, and he looked up from his stool and shrugged, "Oh, you know, ... just this, that, and the udder."
 May 2021

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The lady looked under the Scotsman's kilt and exclaimed, "It's gruesome!" The Scotsman replied, "If you'll take another look, then you'll see it's grew some more!"
 May 2021

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As the new executioner ascended the steps of the gallows, the townspeople asked him how he was coming along on his job. He replied, "Well, I'm starting to get the hang of it!"
 May 2021

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The full moon usually brought an icy chill with it, but this time the weather was warm and the crops survived. The farmer said, "I'm not superstitious, but that moon was a blessing in the skies."
 May 2021

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They asked the architect to come up with a design for a little room at the very top of the house, but he struggled with it. When asked about the delay in completing the project, he replied, "Well, ... it's proving to be "problem-attic."
 May 2021

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The doorman at the luxury high-rise had little to do but sit around and let people in. He said, "Yeah, it's an easy job, I've got to admit."
 May 2021

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The boss said, "Hey, if you're not vaccinated, then you can't go around without protection!", and the cocky young employee nonchalantly replied, "Oh, mask me if I care."
 April 2021

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To everyone's horror, a marine biologist visiting from Prague was swallowed up at Sea World, but they weren't sure whether it was by the mother whale or by her mate. However, one expert claimed he knew, promising, "The Czech is in the male."
 April 2021

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A teacher spoke about ancient Egyptians revering animals like cats and snakes. And, she said they even worshiped fish, whereupon a kid in the back of the class exclaimed, "Holy mackerel!"
 April 2021

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The pier was too close to the rocky reef on one side, and the large boat got jammed in. The captain said, "We're stuck between a dock and a hard place."
 April 2021

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A lady asked about the tables in the store, "Are these made of marble?" The salesman shrugged, "I don't know ma'am. I see these things all day long. I just take them for granite."
 April 2021

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It's quite difficult to earn a decent living raising frogs. Too many of them croak.
 April 2021

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They asked the old bird from the marsh how his life had been. He replied, "Well, I have made some mistakes. But, I have no egrets."
 April 2021

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She was suddenly frightened in the old house, and she thought that it might have been a ghost. I told her, "Well, I guess it could be, ... but don't jump to illusions."
 April 2021

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"We're going to play a song we wrote. It's kind of a cross between country and rap. We call it 'crap.' "
 April 2021

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At the club, the guitarist was interrupted during his act. The guest told him, "I didn't ask you to play solo. I was asking you to play so low that we can't hear you!"
 April 2021

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The Zen Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
 April 2021

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There was a chameleon who couldn't change color. It seems he had a reptile dysfunction.
 April 2021

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My girlfriend seems to have lost her treasured mood ring, and she's really not sure how she feels about it.
 April 2021

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The Norwegian wife thought she heard a "pitter-patter" sound coming from above their house. Her loving husband comforted her, "It's just a little reindeer."
 April 2021

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As he shaved my head, I complimented my barber on his great skill. He said to me, "Flattery will get you no hair!"
 April 2021

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A bale of hay fell and crushed the farmer's cigarettes. Shaking his head in disbelief, he said, "That's the straw that broke the Camel's pack!"
 April 2021

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The stubborn student refused to do her homework. When her Mom got her a new desk lamp, though, ... she finally saw the light.
 April 2021

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Why did the Scottish sailor race his boat back to moor in the inlet? Well, he wanted it to be safe, in the firth place...
 April 2021

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They asked the marine biologist how she was going to circumcise a whale. She replied, "Well, it's gonna take four skin divers ..."
 April 2021

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At the raw bar, a guy was hogging all the oysters. His wife scolded him, "That's what I don't like about you. ... You're so shellfish!"
 April 2021

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At the trattoria, they were mourning the loss of their chef. He had suddenly pasta way.
 April 2021

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The sax player said, "Sure, I can play tenor! Just listen -" The guy stopped him, and said, "No, no. You didn't let me finish. I was asking if you could play ten or fifteen miles away!"
 March 2021

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They asked the Italian pastry chef to work a little overtime, and he said, "Oh no, boss. I love my job, but I cannoli do so much."
 March 2021

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The chef said, "Let us make salad", or did he say, "Lettuce makes salad?" That is the question!
 March 2021

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I rubbed my eyes, but didn't realize that I had ketchup on my fingers. In Heinz-sight, I realize it was a silly thing to do.
 March 2021

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Adultery is considered to be a sin. You can't have your Kate and Edith, too!
 March 2021

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My friend told me to watch the sky tonight for the satellite passing over our area. I said, "Thanks for the heads-up!"
 March 2021

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The violin soloist was seeing all of his bookings disappear for no apparent reason, and the worried manager said, "This is very disconcerting."
 March 2021

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A tennis player got swept up in a bust by the cops. When she asked what the charges were, they said, "Racketeering."
 March 2021

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My dog seems to enjoy hanging around with me for the company, but I think that he may have "all-terrier" motives.
 March 2021

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A waiter at a seafood restaurant asked the guest to repeat his order. The waiter apologized, "I'm sorry, but I'm a little hard of herring."
 March 2021

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I asked the anesthesiologist if I could take a few sleeping pills after the medical procedure, and she said, "Sure. Knock yourself out!"
 March 2021

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The birth of a new pun is not a simple process. It's not like they just come to you in the sperm of the moment.
 March 2021

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Did you hear about the alcoholic who was a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints? He was an "oxy-Mormon."
 March 2021

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If you are ever attacked by a gang of clowns, then be prepared to fight dirty to defend yourself. Don't be afraid to go for the juggler.
 March 2021

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If I want to know what it's like in the northwest, then Alaska person who lives up there.
 March 2021

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The pony had a rough cough. He was a little hoarse.
 March 2021

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The city construction crew reported that the sidewalks they were building were being vandalized, but they had no concrete evidence.
 March 2021

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A termite walks into the saloon, and he looks around and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
 March 2021

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"There's a fly buzzing around my head, but I'm gnat going to let him bother me!"
 March 2021

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To ride, or not to ride - that is equestrian.
 March 2021

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It's a good thing they invented blinds, because otherwise it would be curtains for all of us.
 March 2021

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When asked if his new glass coffin idea would sell, the mortician replied, "Well, it remains to be seen."
 March 2021

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She burned her Hawaiian pizza. She really should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
 March 2021

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They struggled to come up with the right attire for the ballet dancer, ... and finally, ... they put tu and tu together.
 March 2021

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She tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but she couldn't find anything that woodwork.
 March 2021

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